>> Monday, July 25, 2005

I think its over.

My not yet romance with the beautiful older man is over. I'm very sad. I like him a lot. It hasn't been substantial enough time for us to even get to know each other, but it has definitely been enough time for me to rethink a few of my very long standing ideals. Ideals that I believed were the pillars that made up a perfect person for me.

First of all, this is a very painful process for me. I pride myself for knowing what I want, and having life point out to me that I have no idea what I'm talking about is painful. Its not quiet as simple as having always preferred apples instead of oranges and you all of a sudden switch. No. Its trying a passion fruit for the first time and discovering that it contains what you love about the apple AND the orange together. I used to think that certain qualities in a man would automatically negate certain others... what I never realized is what I was really looking for was NOT represented with the set of qualities that I defined it with.

I looked for a guy younger than me- what I was really looking for was someone who will not dismiss my thoughts and ideas (my blonde ideas.)
I looked for extremely successful guys- not realizing that what I was really looking for was someone who KNEW what was valuable in life.
I looked for good looking pretty boys - not realizing that the beauty I was really attracted to is internal and shines through to the surface. A surface that can come in very different shapes, colors and sizes.

One can't know the exact combination of their perfect person. Knowing what you don't want allows you to keep your eyes open and SEE the person next to you, instead of just dismissing them without a chance.

Good for me I realize this at 27. Looking back, unfortunately I know I've done it to others. But you don't learn the lesson until you experience it upon yourself. He doesn't want to continue seeing me. Is it because of the age? Is it because we come from different cultures? Different backgrounds? Whatever it is, he has made a decision not to go further. I just hope its not that he fears that I will not find enough reason to stay with him?? Its not anything wrong that I did or said... well simply, there just was not enough time for me to goof up. I was still on my best behavior and showing the "good" face.

And how I would have preferred him to break up with me for something stupid I've done. Oh, if he would only have given it a few more weeks he would have had PLENTY of REAL reasons to break up... like my personality flaws, character traits... etc..etc...etc. It sucks to be walked away from because someone doesn't believe it would work out by looking at the external.

This sucks a lot. My heart hurts, its a real pain. Its dull, but its there. But its not completely a bad pain. Its like a pain in your muscles after a good work out... It hurts but you know the next day it will go away leaving you stronger arms, stronger legs. Well, same here. I know this pain will go away hopefully leaving a stronger heart. A heart that will not be afraid to take a chance even if there are "reasons" things may not work out.

lesson people: pay attention and learn life's lessons the first time they're thrown at you... because learning them on the second or third time is much more painful. (as you can see from the diagram above.)

(By the way: artist of the above image is found here)


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