It's not a GREAT NIGHT OUT unless you end up hopping in BED with...

>> Monday, March 28, 2005

Waw we really made "little hours" Saturday. "Fare le ore piccole" is what they say in Italy when you go out partying and come home in the single digit hours. You know like 3am compared with 12am. Alright, you get it... I got it... Ok moving on.

So since Saturday was the most important day in the universe, few of my best buds and I decided that some celebration was in order. Originally I didn't plan on going out wanting to simply grace my (now) old age with retiring to bed early. But after dinner with my family (which I cooked! thank you very much... wait... the dinner I cooked, not my family) I decided that I couldn't give my grandparents the satisfaction of thinking that I'm a looser homebody and that's why I haven't found a guy to marry yet. (Cus' apparently that's the goal of every girls' life and in order to fulfill it you have to wear bright clothes and go out every night in order to attract that guy to settle down with.) Right Grandma... because that's exactly how YOU landed Granpa'!? As far as I remember you would make him drop you off promptly at 8.30 and give you a kiss on the cheek as you dimurely looked down at your shoes.

Personally I like to think that Grandma then would take out her Motorola and immediately dial her OTHER boyfriend to pick her up and go clubbing... or however that proceeded back then. Here is a valuable lesson for all aspiring debutantes:
Show "good face" to the boyfriend who you're trying to marry and show "real face" to the one you want to have fun with! (Cus' a girl has GOT to have her cake and eat it too! and not just on her birthday.)

Anyway, back to MY cake. After the delicious food (that I MADE) my Grandparents were getting ready to leave, and I quietly got ready, hair and all and walked out with them. Ha ha, they were surprised, 'oh my goodness how are you going out at such and such hour' (it was 9pm). 'My work shift is starting, Grandma... you know'. AAahahahh, no, just kidding.

I guess I showed them that I DO go out if I want to! So now I can go back into the house undress and go to sleep. Ahhh sleep! But wait... how are you going to do that when you've got a fabulously vulgar outfit on and your hair looks like you've been paying attention to Vogue for the past 11 years. Ok, decision made, in the car, off to the city.

One quick call to Wallstr and PlanB went into action.
Just to recap:
**Plan A- act according to the ripe old age of 27 and go to sleep early
**Plan B- act like and normal life loving human being and get your butt out of the house! (not forgetting to look like a prostitute so you can hook a guy to marry- grandma's bidding.)

We decided to go to Le Souk in the east village. I LOVE the place to death, but DO NOT go there on a Saturday. Here is my 'official' review:
"Le Souk, is a Middle Eastern bar/lounge/club/restaurant/outdoor cafe place. The twist is that going there one may think they're in a Middle Eastern bar/lounge/club/...etc... in a EUROPEAN city." The atmosphere is very 'Euro' like. There are 3 floors, one being a lounge/restaurant where you can ask to be put into the "sultan's" bed! Let me just stay, I LOVE going out to a place with a bed! That way, if throughout the course of the evening you decide to revert to **Plan A, you may certainly do so!! Brilliant!!!

Music is great, the lounge part plays Middle Eastern music with French and Spanish undertones. Imagine Alabina and Dalida together with the Gypsy Kings (which I think they actually do get together sometimes, no?). Floors are also broken up into different rooms, and are connected with staircases and hallways lit by candles in metal lanterns with patterns. You really do feel like you're in a mansion almost... Very nice and beautiful I do agree. What ruins this "romantic" feeling is the HOARDS OF PEOPLE!!!!! The pretty hallways are pretty no more if you are inside the flux of people who are so tightly wowen around you that if you would just lift your legs by bending them at the knees you would be CARRIED! I remember being there on a Sunday and it was by far more acceptable, it only got crowded by around 2am as we were leaving. So my suggestion, make a reservation, and go there on a weekday or a Sunday in the early evening.

But when you make decisions to go out last minute you don't think of all the boring details. I collected Wallstr at her Faaahbulous Loft and we were off to the city in my car. (Because I do not do public transportation! No amount of "Primavera" will ever dull the sheer disgust, panic, nausea and thoughts of suicide I feel when taking the subway.) I realize that this is not in congruence with the "Primavera" school of thought but HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A NYC SUBWAY!?? Take a ride, and then call me. (I'd like to hear how they're treating newly admitted patients at the psychiatric wards.)

After picking up the hot Wallstr we were on the way Le Souk where the beautiful Dulce de Leche was meeting us. Promptly at 10.30 I dropped Wallstr by the entrance to wait on line with Dulce. The line was HUGE. I on the other hand started circling the streets looking for parking. OK, here is the trick... Parking in the city is like a match against the "invisible" enemy. Its very psychological... You MUST go into this battle visualizing victory! If the "invisible" enemy senses any hint of fear or doubt YOU'RE FINISHED!!! Well... that night... I just couldn't block out the thought that maybe I won't find a parking space right away.... THAT WAS IT!!!!!! MY END!!!!!!! The more I circled the more I knew that tonight the "invisible" enemy has won the battle! There was NO PLACE to park.

I know all about parking in the city since for a year living in Manhattan and having to park and repark my car I've grown to know very intimately the "invisible" enemy. Some days you just KNOW that you will park right away, and some days you know that after about an hour and a half of circling you will be submitting your car to the nearest parking garage. That's just how it is.

10:58pm....
Half hour into my loosing battle with the "invisible" enemy, I got a call from Dulce:
"Hey, what's up?" -she said.
"Nothin' what's up with you?" - I said trying my very hardest not to bite her head of.
"We're about to go in are you almost here?"
"No, not yet" - what I really wanted to say was: "I'm having too much fun driving around in circles looking for a STUPID parking space!! The homeless guy on the corner is laughing at me, and the druggies near the deli are wondering when am I finally going to do my "drop off" and that it must be really premium "stuff" if I'm taking my sweet time like this."
"Alrighty, later than" -she said, and I knew that even though I tried to be as polite as possible she knew exactly what I was thinking.

11:15....
This time Wallstr called me:
"Hey are you almost here yet?" -she said in her excellent 'I'm annoyed' tone.
"Um, no...not yet..." -I said through my teeth because I knew I couldn't take my frustration out on them and that it wouldn't help me park my car any faster.
"Where are you?" -she continued in her tone.
Pause....
"....Well actually I decided to go to this other place...so um I guess I'll meet up with you guys later-on or something." -I said as seriously as possible.
"Very funny, we're going in so text us when you get here." -click-

11.27....
I got a call from my friend ClubVarna (I'll call him that because he is from Varna, and his computer is endlessly streaming european techno dance beats). Unfortunately for all the women of the world he recently got married to the Black Haired Vixen, a sexy tall coed, also from the Balkans. They do however seem to be deliriously happy and disgustingly in love. Bleeehhh!
"What's up, we are here, just got on the line, are you inside?" -he asked in the apologetic tone because he knew he was an hour late (from the 10.30 appointed meeting time).
"What! you're here and parked!? I can't find parking!!" -I knew I could at least whine to him.
"Oh man, yeah, it took us 45 minutes also!" (Only 45 mins! You're so lucky I thought.)
"Alright, just call Dulce and go meet them inside."
Now, I made my resolution to just park ANYWHERE! Legal-shmigal, I just couldn't take it anymore and I needed to make this nightmare stop immediately. I was about to miss out on my birthday outing!!! So I looked for a hydrant that I could possibly inch my car in so that it still looked legit. Not even those! All the cars were already dangerously close to them (forget the 15 feet rule on each side, most hydrants had maybe 10 feet in total around them at the very best.) Ok, scratch that...

11.36...
Finally!!!!! I saw something that resembled a spot by the curb near this round about thing, but it was a spot! It wasn't near a hydrant so even if I was unsure of it being a completely legal spot or not I knew that in case there was a fire my car would not be the one blocking the water source. (As if I gave a flying flip by that point.) Thank goodness!!!! I thought as I finally tore out of my car. Across the street was a beautiful small church. Yes, this was a divine moment in deed!

11.47...
Ok, almost 2 hours after getting into the city, I was reunited with ClubVarna the the Vixen on the HUUUUGE line outside of Le Souk. Hugs and kisses later, I was wondering why they weren't inside yet... Apparently they couldn't get a hold of Dulce and Wallstr. After a range of text messaging (it was too loud inside for them to hear). We decided to go converse with the bouncer guys to try to explain that we are here for the birthday party and our friends were already inside.
"Whose birthday party please?" - said the slender black girl that came out after the big bouncer dude called her to take care of us, as he had no time for our nonsense.
"Um... Actually its MY party... we're just late getting here." - ACTUALLY we were NOT late getting here. We just stupidly did not account for the TWO HOURS it takes to park.
"What name please?" -proceeded the calm black girl with her interrogation... I swear these bouncers and hosts at NY clubs must have gotten their training at a KGB camp or something. So secretive... if you don't have a "password" there is no way you're getting in.
Name, name.... this was tricky, did they give them MY name... did they give one of their names?? Well, I gave them my name and apparently this was WRONG! but...but.... Its my birthday.... I promise... here check my driver license.... She was long gone back inside behind the black curtain. UGGGHHHH!!!! I texted Dulce and told her to come out and get us because I did not posses the correct information and needed help from the "inside".

12:02...
We were in... and by the bar... with a round of drinks... (minus me... I ordered something else to suck on...) The music was fun, so we were dancing a little. Some girl pushed the Black Haired Vixen and she spilled her apple martini right on my shoulder... ahhh, cold cold.... And strangely for her, being mildly natured, she slammed her drink on the bar counter and pushed back right into the offending party and began the most wildest dance ever! Haaaahahah! You should have seen the other girl's scared face! You go Vixen! That's the way to hold off your spot on the floor! We also had to use our elbow muscles (yes they exist trust me) to keep people off our "counter" space. Some jovial Irish guy also tried to steel my "hooka" by telling me how gorgeous I was... but he could not blow as beautiful white cloud of smoke as I did. (He just wasn't a powerful sucker... as I am... Grandma, are you listening!?)

12:15...
SexyBomb and her bf Dynamite smsed us to say that they were outside. Ops... time of sms said 11.47... Waw, I must have just missed them at the time I went inside. At that time I knew the procedure. I went outside and after getting the authorization form the bouncer dude I went to grab them from the line.
"No!!! NOOO!!! we're in line for the past half hour... we won't be able to get in... AND we'll loose our spot..." - they pleaded with me, after I told them that I was going to "bring them in".
I literally had to grab Sexy Bomb's very sexy black suede "touch me" jacket and pull her to follow me...

We were finally ALL inside and the night proceeded without any major happenings. Except for when Dynamite almost strangled this guy that proceeded to blow out cigarette smoke into his face "Instead of blowing out into his friend's face that was also smoking" as Dynomite pointed out angrily. (Btw: it is illegal to smoke anywhere inside in NYC, but some idiots insist on it anyway.)

1:30...
We couldn't take it anymore and decided to go somewhere else (ANYWHERE else). Ahhh, but wait a minute... in NYC it's not jsut tricky to get IN to places... They also make it tricky to get OUT too! So off we went making a line to pick up our coats (and I have 2 angry points about that:
Angry point #1
Why in the HECK are we all still wearing winter coats for when its almost APRIL for crying out loud!!!!!!!! Crazy NY climate! -the "invisible" enemy works in MANY mysterious ways-
Angry point #2
Why are we on line AGAIN!????!!!
So apparently the "invisible" enemy was not appeased by me parking the car for 2 hours, by my friends waiting to get inside for 45 minutes... it needed to draw more blood!!! IT NEEDED MORE SACRIFICE!!! And this time "it" was as creative as ever: Wallstr-who apparently thought she was immune to anything negative happening to her, as she would just scare it away by giving it attitude- well, the wardrobe people couldn't find her coat!!!!! And as scantily dressed as she was it was just not practical to leave without it. So the glamorous Wallstr had to take this huge lantern looking flashlight thing that they gave her and go rummaging through all the coats trying to locate hers... I was so angry I was yelling for her to take the prettiest one and be done with it. (I know this is terrible... but that's how the "invisible" enemy gets everyone to do bad things that affect others, who are then forced to do bad things... and so the vicious circle goes round and round.) Well luckily for Wallstr, the coat was found! You see we would not be able to enjoy this little joy it everything was always smooth.

We decided to go across the street to this nice CALM little bar that exuded inviting red glow from the inside. I've never been there, its called Chinese #1, thus explaining the buddah statue that was part of a lamp with a HUGE red lamp shade on top. (We all thought Wallstr should sneak it out and put it in her FAHbulous loft.) And then install a dozen wooden bunk beds in her bedroom and serve opium to sweaty people... (sorry... I have a feverish imagination).

We sat down at this huge table to take a breather. Finally, this was great, not crowded, not loud... if there was a bed here it would have been perfect (I could start executing PlanA). Anyway, beds should be a must in all bars. Dulce's entrepreneurial mind immediately came up with a new Bar concept... "Bed in a Bar", simple and straight to the point. You're a genius Dulce! You need to do something about that python of a brain you got there! In Sardegna for example every bar or club has huge beds. Now that's what I call renaissance thinking!

After a while we noticed people coming in and making their way through this inconspicuous white door in the back of the room... hmmm what's going on...

As it so happened, down stairs were 2 different rooms, music, big plush couches... even an aquarium with funky looking fish. We stayed there dancing (in a very vulgar way) for a while and as it neared 3am the place began to slowly empty out. And than... there it was!!!!!!!!! On the other side of the room... there stood.... a..... BED!!!!!!!! This was joy in its purest form!!! I forgot who noticed it first but within seconds we all (me, SexyBomb, Wallstr and Dulce) were hopping in it! We left poor Dynamite sitting by his lonesome...ooohh. Who knew that we could all just be so happy in bed together! This is the greatest birthday ever!! Hey girls, next year promise me we'll forgo the parking the going out the dancing and just hop straight into bed in the beginning of the evening!! But than again, maybe it would not have been so wonderful it we were all just easy hookers (as grandma suggests). Maybe the reason we were able to arrive at this state of euphoria, uninhanced by any unnatural chemicals, was precisely because we had to endure this night and the many obstacles thrown at us by the "invisible" enemy? Maybe. All I know it was a perfect way to end the night! In bed with my girls!! Who the heck needs a fiance when you got...all this.... Dynamite didn't even come over, he knew there was no way he can compete.

So just remember: All's well that ends well, and a great night, is a night that you end up really tired in bed with your best buds!

Thanks for a great night girls!!!! Muuuuaaah!

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